You auto be careful, Brether!

by Vinod G
[Vinod has just finished his Bachelor’s in Information Technology (IT). He's an avid quizzer having won and conducted a number of quizzes. Please visit his blog for more: http://vinodg.blogspot.com]


Every city has something unique to it, something that lends it its own character, making it different from any other city on the planet. Chennai (a cosmopolitan city in the southern part of India) is no exception. The one thing that sets it apart is: its auto-rickshaws (kinda clone of a taxi, but with only 3 wheels below), or rather, their drivers. Undoubtedly Chennai’s favorite sons, I can bet these auto-drivers are world famous for their honesty and polite disposition.

Yes, I am obviously kidding!
And you would know it as soon as you’ve had the pleasure of riding a Chennai auto. But despite their being infamous, I honestly feel that the auto-drivers in Chennai are more tourist-friendly than anywhere else in India. They’re definitely better than, say, Bangalore, where the driver can’t even decide which language he wants to speak in.

Your average Chennai auto-driver, on the other hand, is fluent in a number of languages, including English, which he will demonstrate by addressing you, "Brether.." (colloquial for Brother) from time to time. And if you make the mistake of saying more than an "Ah" in reply, then you immediately become his best friend and he starts feeling like he can talk to you about everything that’s troubling his mind. Which is actually not that bad a thing, because considering the rate at which Chennai traffic moves these days, the driver might fall asleep if he had no one to talk to! Now, the drivers understand that not all passengers are dying to talk to them, but that doesn’t stop them from jabbering on anyway. It’s in their nature to be talkative. And as a passenger, you have no choice but to clench and bear with it. There’s no escape.

There are many such problems involved with Chennai auto travel, and it’s very important that you know about them. That’s why I’ve decided to help you out with a rapid FAQ below.


Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Q. Whenever I get into an auto, I immediately notice this mysterious looking black thing inside. What is it?
A. That’s the driver, honey.

Q. No, not him, you idiot. It’s this funky looking black object with a number display and all. It looks sophisticated but doesn’t seem to serve any specific purpose. What exactly is that? And what does it do?
A. Oops! Sorry, my mistake! Yes, I know the object you’re talking about. That would be the Fare Meter. It’s there strictly for decorative purposes ONLY.

Q. So how is the fare calculated then?
A. It’s a very complicated procedure because there are many factors that are involved in calculating the cost of an auto journey. These include distance, number of passengers, time of the day, rate of traffic movement, relative humidity and the net run rate of the Cricket game on TV. Plus, an extra 5 bucks for every time the driver calls you "Brether" .

Q. How do I go about haggling over the cost?
A. Price negotiation can be quite tricky but it can be done. First, go up to the driver, name your destination and ask him to quote his price. Now, take that figure and subtract Rs. 100,000 from it. That’ll give you the amount the trip should actually cost. And that in turn means that you’ll soon have to decide if you’re going to have to sell your house or not. However, if you ask nicely enough, the driver might consider giving a discount. For further generosity, try "Brether".

Q. What is meant by the phrase "meterukku mela"?
A. It means that you will, in fact, have to sell your house.

Q. Are you hinting that there are no honest auto drivers in Chennai?
A. Of course not! I’d never do something that stupid. I am STATING that there are no honest auto drivers in this city. It’s a union rule.

Q. Hmmm… ok, you said auto drivers are talkative. What to do when they keep talking?
A. Oh you have no choice. The more you try to ignore him, the louder and more irritating his voice will become. And if he doesn’t hear you speak for some time, he’ll immediately want to make sure that you’re still alive. “Brether?” he’ll go, “BRETHER?” So, you’ll have to keep reassuring him with an “Oh” and an "Ah" every now and then.

Q. Is there absolutely no way to escape this?
A. There IS something you can try. If you have a cell-phone, take it out and pretend you’re talking to someone else. The driver, the polite man that he is, will not disturb you. Of course, to carry on a long conversation with no one at the other end, you need a very active imagination, and powerful jaws. If you don’t have either, you can listen to him gabble and just pray that you meet with an accident and die, which is quite likely considering the number of stickers on the windshield.

Q. Ya.. what’s with all the stickers?
A. Another union rule, I’m afraid. There’s nothing we can do about it. But the autos with the movie star stickers are actually quite ok. But if you get one which has a sticker with two garish, murderous looking eyes and ‘NO FEAR’ emblazoned below them in capital letter in a shockingly distasteful MS Word Art font, then you should immediately make sure you’ve taken out an accident insurance policy.

Q. Ok, I think I’m going to have to travel by Chennai autos in the near future. What’s the most important thing to remember?
A. The most important thing to remember is that I’m currently on the lookout for a new house. So, if you’re selling, you know whom to call.

Q. Ah thanks, anything else you want to tell me?
A. Ya. Good luck, Brether!


comments

I find the article good and normal. In every city, there are always many problems which involve with its auto travel. I like those cities because of its life and activities.
- Benissan Jules, Student, Togo, Africa

Your site is coming along well, and the article is great. It reminds me of a horrible taxi ride I got in Portland, where the driver couldn't communicate with me because he only spoke Iranian. He just kept saying 'No' whenever I'd ask him anything or tell him where I was going.

Example:
"Yeah, I need to get to the Portland bus station."
"Eh... eh, no."
"No?"
"Eh... no."
"You don't know where it is... or you just won't take me?"
"Hmm. Eh..."
"Are you open for business right now?"
"Bus station?"
"Yes, I need to go to the Portland bus station."
"...eh, no. No station."
"Are you saying there is no bus station?"
"No."
"Well, I've been there. I was there this morning. Can you take me there. Go station? Go now?"
"Oh, bus station?"
"Yes."
"Eh, no station. No."
"Can you take me anywhere?"
"Eh?"
"How close to the station can you get me?"
"Eh? Eh, no."

-Ray Succre, Coos Bay, Oregon, USA